“So hold me, whisper gently that there’s nothing to fear. You’ll always be near, to remind me, stand behind me. Although life can be rough we can never give up”.
The genesis of this whole thing came about on Monday night when I was driving the girl’s to my apartment. Out of the nowhere, Sofia started asking me about my dad which I thought was odd. Naturally Isabella would repeat the same question Sofia asked so in an effort to be fair, I answered the same question twice. Anyone who knows me knows that the subject of my father remains extremely … personal, even after all these years. The questions ranged from what clothes he wore to if he was funny to how tall he was and naturally, how he died. “You’re grandfather had a headache, went to sleep and never woke up” was all I could muster. Sofia’s next question was the clincher – “would he have liked me?”
“Yes Sofia, I think he would have loved you”.
In my youth, my dad came and went in short bursts, like the ice cream man. It was cool to see him in that short time but he was never around long enough to get to know. When I finally got him all to myself, he was taken from me. There is not a day that goes by that I wonder how my life would have panned out if he were still around. I sometimes look in the mirror and see him. Some days I smile and some days I stare and wonder just how much of him is in me. Last weekend I sat on my bed and watched Isabella sleep for a while. As I watched her I could not help but surrender to the overwhelming sadness inside and allowed myself a moment of weakness. Every time I see them I discover something new and I wonder what they’ll think of me when they get older because the one fear I have in life is to let them down. I’ve been called many names in my day but the one I always look forward to on a daily basis is “daddy”. I really don’t want to be the ice cream man.
You see that for me, the “moments like this” have become my kids. It is they who give me strength to meet the day’s nuances and challenges. As much as I preach about living for myself, I really am living for them right now. My life, in its current state is not what I had planned. I had higher aspirations for myself but being who I am, I chose my path with blind conviction … and what a journey it has been.
After some conversation during dinner I told my daughters tonight that daddy was changing right before their eyes. All they did was giggle and I smiled a big smile in response. It was in that moment that I was reminded with the fact that I know, with every fiber in my body that I loved being a dad.
There is a part of me that knows my dad is looking over me and smiling. Well … truth be told, he’s probably shaking his head more often than not but at least he’s smiling.
