Disclaimer – I am horrible at be self analytical.
What is happiness? I don’t think anyone can really quantify, qualify or accurately describe or define what happiness is. Like art, I believe it all lies in the eye of the beholder. If you line ten people up and ask them the question and you will probably get ten different answers.
Dennis Leary said it best - happiness is a butt (cigarette), a beer, an orgasm or a chocolate chip cookie.
To me, my happiness mirrors my personality. To me, happiness is sunshine, white sandy beaches, a cool breeze, and a margarita in my hand; family all around, the laugher of my children and maybe someone special to share that with. Happiness for me comes in different ways be it hugs from my daughters, watching two old people hold hands, rain fall in the summer, being at a concert, watching a great movie, a great night out with my friends, a passionate kiss.
There really is no direction that I am going in. What’s important to me is inner peace. If I have that, everything else will fall into place. If I have inner peace, the small, irritating nuisances in life don’t bother me. I currently live a much uncomplicated life and I could not be happier.
A question my life coach likes to ask me is “what do you want?” I hate that question because I never know how to answer it.
The question about having / looking for a girlfriend or significant other sometimes comes into play and I honestly don’t know how to feel about that. I am a fiercely independent person and cherish my space. I am unsure if I ever want to give that up but after some thought, I will never know unless I try. What I have learned is that honesty is the best policy. If you give 100% of yourself then you remain true to your values and more importantly, you have nothing to hide. If you begin any sort of a relationship founded on any sort of lie or misinterpretation then that crack in the foundation will eventually lead to the house coming down.
I have never been 100% honest to someone and have always been guarded for fear that I would get my heart broken. I liken that experience to bungee jumping. You’re amped up, you make the climb, excited and ready to go but when you look down … you get scared shitless and think of ways to get to where you need to go but with some compromise. Let me be clear- having a “special someone” in my life does not define me. Niether does my job, how much money I make or all the cool shit I may have. I don’t need to have a “someone” in order to be happy. That person should compliment me, not upgrade me or downgrade me. I would never what to be with some one I have to follow or leave behind. I would want to be with someone that would stand beside me and hold my hand. It’s really that simple.
My tumultuous relationship and ultimate divorce left me with an identity crisis and a fractured spirit. I questioned a great many things, went through the spectrum of emotions and felt emotionally isolated. The one constant were my children. It was the love for my children that prevented me from self destructing. I never wanted them to see me unhappy, vulnerable or weak. I couldn’t wait to see them and often found myself crying when I talked to them on the phone because I missed them that much. I knew that I needed them as much as they needed me. Through that, I discovered that the easy way out affects more people than just me. I am not referring to suicide but the thought of leaving the state. I have been blessed with the best of friends and have an amazing family. So I chose to cultivate and nurture those relationships that I had with family and friends and began to heal physically through staying healthy, spiritually by having the awareness and appreciation for all that is around me and emotionally, by seeking help, looking inward and focusing on me for a little while.
I then ventured outside the circle to see what was what and the experience was a mixed bag. I met many a people from different walks of life and all with different stories- some happy, some tragic and some down right bizarre. Regardless of who I met, I kept everyone at arms length because I have decided that my personal time is very precious to me and I no longer have a tolerance for bullshit and let me tell you … there is an ocean of bullshit out there. I also decided that I will not settle for anything unless it feels right.
I have always been the leap before I look kind of guy but have reconsidered my strategy and opted to go the safe and scenic route this time before I stop to get out of the car. I’ve been driving for a while now. It’s a good thing I love driving. Today I am whole and unafraid. I have no idea what lies ahead but that is part of the fun.
So what is happiness? To me, happiness comes from within. Happiness is love for me. How can I be expected to love anyone else if I can not love myself first? Happiness is the ability to love openly and without restraint. Happiness is being around my children. Happiness is being receptive to different things. Happiness is indulging in those things that bring a smile to my face. Happiness is taking the time to slow down and marvel at the world around me. Happiness is sharing a quiet moment with that special some one because you don’t always have to say “I love you”. Happiness is not one singular thing. It’s the life that I choose to live and I chose to be happy.
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