Porn and Hanging with Big

The real Cirque du Freak was in full effect during the first week of January in the form of the Adult Entertainment Expo.

Before I get into that, let me share an unexpected, random encounter. While at the gym not too long ago, I was on the treadmill watching ESPN and listening to my ipod. Once and I while my eyes would wander down to the mirror in front of me, you know, to check out my sexiness. The guy on the treadmill behind me kept coming into view and he looked familiar. It bugged me that I could figure out who he was.

By the time I was finished with my run, the guy behind me was still on so I decided to take my sweet time walking to the next area to get a better look and see who the hell this guy was. When I got a good look I thought to myself, “it’s Mr. Big”- Chris Noth. I don’t get star struck easily so I kept to myself and went to the next room. About five minutes later, Big come around the corner and asks if he can work in on the machine I was on to which I allowed, because I’m nice that way. I confess to having the urge to ask him what it felt like to be associated with a character known for being hung like a water buffalo but I didn’t. We did our thing, the workout end and so does the story.

Back to porn and the freak show. Personally, I think porn is cool. It’s kept me company when I was lonely. It got me into trouble when I was naughty. We have a thing, me and porn. Now, I’m not into scat, snuff, voyeurism, domination, sex with animals or any other weird shit like that. Kinky is just fine with me however the multitude of “adventure seekers” that were on display at the resort I work at was a sight to behold.

Let me first tell you about who came to see the show. If you're a dude, and you go to a porn convention and rock a t-shirt of your favorite porn production company, you should get your ass kicked by the 400 pound black woman in fishnets on principle. You’re not a porn star so act like a civilized guy, be cool and enjoy the show. If you're luck, maybe one of the cute chicks in the show will take a liking to you, because you’re cool, talk to you and bone you later. Simplicity is bliss sometimes. Unfortunately there were several pre-pubescent, zit popping, porn production t-shirt wear assholes trolling the joint and everyone of them thought they were going into this thing to bang a porno star. My buddies and I would watch them as they exited the expo show room with a dejected, retarded look on their face. That prototype male vibrator they just picked up as a free sample would be the nights entertainment. Some words of wisdom for the uninitiated - the really popular porn stars walk around with body guards and never travel where the masses walk.

Then you have the guys who think that they are too cool to be at a porn convention. Like shelling out $65 bones to watch porn is just another thing you do. Those are the guys who eventually come out of the closet.

The ladies on the other hand were surprisingly mellow. You had your garden variety rocker chicks with tattoos and piercings everywhere to the innocent looking, closet freak attending the show because “their friend made them go”. Sure thing Snow White. Then there was what I affectionately called the ass clappers. This was a team of very large black women with the biggest asses I’ve ever seen on a human being. They were also wearing g-strings. They would do this hop thing on the balls of their feet and that motion combined with all of that ass fat they had would equate to their ass cheeks slap each other at a very fast pace, hence the ass clappers. It became a resort favorite to say the least. The troupe of chocolate love usually had about 15 white dudes around them taking pictures who would immediately post them on their facebook or myspace pages to illustrate how cool they were.

My favorite were the families who just happened to be at the resort at the same time. Wives would constantly be mean mugging thier spouses because they were convinced their hubby was checking out the one legged chick with the strap on, surrounded by midgets in assless chaps in the corner. Ah, family fun.

I never did to get to go into the showroom itself. Security was tighter than a Presidential dinner event. Not just anyone can get in. You need credentials baby. They say that sex sells and it sure did for me. People were dropping cash like it was going out of style all weekend long. I can’t wait for the circus to come back to town.

Match.com – A Social Experiment

A New Years resolution I made was to shift gears and stop writing drunk rants on facebook and instead focus on Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere.

Another resolution I made was to stop limiting myself and to boldly … go. Enter Match.com. After my 31 day experiment I have reached one simple conclusion. I am convinced that the idea of relationship / dating sites was conceived by the devil himself.

I have not been on a traditional date since my wife and I separated. That is not to say that I have not gone out, been social or have not gotten into some mischief. After all, I have needs too. At the beginning of the break up, I did what any other angry, repressed, hot blooded male would do. I went out often, stayed out late, drank too much and I hoed myself out to any and everyone who was willing to be an active participant.

After a very short while, I found absolutely no fulfillment in my behavior and actions. It felt more like me acting out and filling a need as opposed to searching for something of substance. I was still a committed father to my children and professional hotelier and foodie however my alone time began to teeter on self destruction. So I made the decision to stop.

I got my shit together, lost my house, got an apartment, finalized my divorce, focused on what was important to me and cut out all the static distractions. Fast forward 13 months and here I am, a single guy in Sin City. The normal school of thought with regard to that comment would be “that's awesome”. Here’s the catch – Vegas is populated by genuine weirdoes. I often times refer to myself as an island of reality in an ocean of bullshit. Working in Food and Beverage in the city of excess I have seen everything and have become unimpressed with everything superficial and artificial. Wealth does not equal taste. Beauty does not equal glamour. Education does not equal intelligence. Prominence does not equal class.

So why not try the cyberspace love connection? After all, I spend enough time on the internet surfing for smut, I figured that an attempt at making a legitimate, human connection would be redeeming. Is that an oxymoron? At this point, I’m reduced to being a pervert and I’m comfortable with that label right now. In my lifetime, I have been called worse.

At the onset, I settled on joining Match.com for one month only and was committed to that duration regardless of the outcome. My expectations were low as I was entering unknown waters. So I bit the bullet, shelled out my hard earned $25 bucks and went with it because, why not …

In my opinion, relationship sites are not for people with low self esteem, those who are emotionally fragile or the faint of heart. As a matter of fact, I firmly believe that they are guaranteed to shatter the psyche and spirit of human beings if taken too seriously.

I’ll explain …

The sheer amount of thought, time and commitment that is required to put your profile together is staggering. This is your opportunity to present yourself in the best possible light. This is your sales pitch for companionship. What pictures do you post that is guaranteed to net you that perfect someone? What do you write about yourself? Do you give a small taste to illicit a curious e-mail or connection or do you put yourself out there with the hopes that your honesty attracts? You comb through 575 pictures and pick the top 10 that show you in your favorite settings, showing a little skin, with your pet etc … After a day of research, you pick the perfect, quirky tag line to describe yourself in 15 words or less. All your information gets approved and uploaded on your profile and then … you wait. Then you might have to wait some more.

After all that effort, what if you get no response? See how damaging that can be to someone’s self esteem and ego? No es bueno.

Here’s my problem with it. You only see and / or read about the good. Yeah, I get and understand the science and psychology behind the compatibility questionnaires and whatnot but for this particular website, you only illustrate the good, which is both very misleading and … well, masturbatory. In my first few days I was paired up with a gal, and according to the site, we were 98% compatible. I found that fascinating. What if one of my many talents was to belch the alphabet but she hated people who burp? Is that the 2%? I have known couples to break up because the toilet seat was always left up. Yes, I e-mail her. No, she did not respond. So much for common interestes. Maybe she didn't get my jokes?

Me? I chose to plagiarize myself in an effort to save time by just cutting and pasting my information from facebook. My tag line was “I’ve been known to cure narcolepsy by just walking into a room” (thank you Dos XX guy). At first I allowed the site to pair me up and then I reached out to some people. I enjoyed some amusing e-mails, some rejections and some odd requests. In 31 days I reached out to 12 individuals and got 7 responses. At least I was over .500. I was “approached” 8 times and only responded once. I never went on a date. The e-mails I sent felt forced or maybe there was simply no connection. I don’t know. I corresponded with some attractive women but it all felt so … detached. Did I “give it a chance”? I think I did but this was more about feeding my curiosity than anything else. Should something else have materialized then bonus for me.

Every morning I was greeted by the “we picked these 5 for you” and the “here’s the special pick for this week” e-mails. So my mornings were spent listening to music and sipping on java whilst scrolling through the roster of “potentials”. It was all very surreal. Then came the renewal e-mail and as promised, I opted not to continue. While I can understand and appriciate the need for such a service, I deduced that I prefer to meet people and cultivate a meaningful relationship the old fashioned way. I am not so busy that I can not meet people. Right now, I just chose not to and prefer to focus on the current relationships I have that bring meaning to my life.

To me, finding someone to go out with or date is like looking for an item you misplaced. The harder you look the more invisible it becomes. If you stop looking, it will suddenly appear.