The real Cirque du Freak was in full effect during the first week of January in the form of the Adult Entertainment Expo.
Before I get into that, let me share an unexpected, random encounter. While at the gym not too long ago, I was on the treadmill watching ESPN and listening to my ipod. Once and I while my eyes would wander down to the mirror in front of me, you know, to check out my sexiness. The guy on the treadmill behind me kept coming into view and he looked familiar. It bugged me that I could figure out who he was.
By the time I was finished with my run, the guy behind me was still on so I decided to take my sweet time walking to the next area to get a better look and see who the hell this guy was. When I got a good look I thought to myself, “it’s Mr. Big”- Chris Noth. I don’t get star struck easily so I kept to myself and went to the next room. About five minutes later, Big come around the corner and asks if he can work in on the machine I was on to which I allowed, because I’m nice that way. I confess to having the urge to ask him what it felt like to be associated with a character known for being hung like a water buffalo but I didn’t. We did our thing, the workout end and so does the story.
Back to porn and the freak show. Personally, I think porn is cool. It’s kept me company when I was lonely. It got me into trouble when I was naughty. We have a thing, me and porn. Now, I’m not into scat, snuff, voyeurism, domination, sex with animals or any other weird shit like that. Kinky is just fine with me however the multitude of “adventure seekers” that were on display at the resort I work at was a sight to behold.
Let me first tell you about who came to see the show. If you're a dude, and you go to a porn convention and rock a t-shirt of your favorite porn production company, you should get your ass kicked by the 400 pound black woman in fishnets on principle. You’re not a porn star so act like a civilized guy, be cool and enjoy the show. If you're luck, maybe one of the cute chicks in the show will take a liking to you, because you’re cool, talk to you and bone you later. Simplicity is bliss sometimes. Unfortunately there were several pre-pubescent, zit popping, porn production t-shirt wear assholes trolling the joint and everyone of them thought they were going into this thing to bang a porno star. My buddies and I would watch them as they exited the expo show room with a dejected, retarded look on their face. That prototype male vibrator they just picked up as a free sample would be the nights entertainment. Some words of wisdom for the uninitiated - the really popular porn stars walk around with body guards and never travel where the masses walk.
Then you have the guys who think that they are too cool to be at a porn convention. Like shelling out $65 bones to watch porn is just another thing you do. Those are the guys who eventually come out of the closet.
The ladies on the other hand were surprisingly mellow. You had your garden variety rocker chicks with tattoos and piercings everywhere to the innocent looking, closet freak attending the show because “their friend made them go”. Sure thing Snow White. Then there was what I affectionately called the ass clappers. This was a team of very large black women with the biggest asses I’ve ever seen on a human being. They were also wearing g-strings. They would do this hop thing on the balls of their feet and that motion combined with all of that ass fat they had would equate to their ass cheeks slap each other at a very fast pace, hence the ass clappers. It became a resort favorite to say the least. The troupe of chocolate love usually had about 15 white dudes around them taking pictures who would immediately post them on their facebook or myspace pages to illustrate how cool they were.
My favorite were the families who just happened to be at the resort at the same time. Wives would constantly be mean mugging thier spouses because they were convinced their hubby was checking out the one legged chick with the strap on, surrounded by midgets in assless chaps in the corner. Ah, family fun.
I never did to get to go into the showroom itself. Security was tighter than a Presidential dinner event. Not just anyone can get in. You need credentials baby. They say that sex sells and it sure did for me. People were dropping cash like it was going out of style all weekend long. I can’t wait for the circus to come back to town.
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