A Day In The Life

The 6:00am alarm buzz sounded more like a fire truck parked in my bedroom than an alarm clock. I still had Newcastle and hookah swirling around in my brain and was taken completely by surprise by the wretched alarm clock I forgot to turn off. I managed to crack my right eye open to confirm the unholy time of day and then with all my strength, I extended my right arm and hit the snooze button. So began my day.

7:15am I peeled myself from off the bed and like a retarded Frankenstein, I moan and stagger to the kitchen and the awaiting pot of hot java. After a cup I was no longer cross eyed and managed to string words together in an effort to motivate myself instead of grunting. My kids where waiting for me and I needed to get out of first gear. A night out, some beers and little sleep had a negative impact on my 34 year old body. I’m not hung-over or anything. Could I be coping out to being a pussy? I took a picture for posterity (see above).

8:00am … I still have time. Getting dressed was a no-brainer. I just didn’t give a shit what I looked like though I stood in my closet for what felt like six hours. I walk in the kitchen and eye my blackberry. It’s a Mexican standoff between me and my work leash. Defiantly, I give it the middle finger and walk past it. I’m not picking it up.

8:30am. I bolt for the door and was on the road singing the theme song to Speed Racer. I blazed down the highway averaging 85mph with the windows down … the 56 degree morning wind in my face was finishing the job the coffee started. When I get to my ex-wife’s house I look in the rear view mirror and found Jack Nicholson from The Shining staring back at me. Wow … I look like death so I put my sunglasses back on.

9:00am I scoop the kids up and share my latest obsession with them. I am addicted to Fear Factory’s latest output Mechanize, specifically the forth song, Powershifter. Something about that song gives me a boner. But I keep that fact to myself nor did I play the tune for the kids.

9:10am I remember my boss telling me the other day that my hair was too long and I needed a haircut. This past Saturday, I slicked it back to mirror his hair style in a mocking effort. I don’t think he got it. With that in mind I stopped at Great Clips on the way home. I felt the mutinous eyes of my kids on me as I pulled into the parking spot. I looked at them and said “hey, they have free suckers in there”. They were on board once they knew they were getting a sweet treat. Once I got done with my head job Sofia looks at me and say’s “daddy, you didn’t cut your grey hair like I told you”. The folks waiting thought it was funny. I got their suckers and we booked.

11:30am we get arrive at the crib and as sure as a bear shits in the woods, the television is turned on and the channel is set to Disney for the next 48 hours. Hooray! I jump in the shower while my seed get lobotomized. Before I walk into my room I stop, turn around and tell the kids I love them. It’s important to me that they know. They favor Mickey at this point and ignore me of course. Once done I notice it's actually a nice day so I kick the kids outside to play. I launch itunes, rock out and observe the kids playing while I chill out. Simon looks at me and says “I'm board! I don’t have any toys”. My response was short and sweet “tough shit big guy, use your imagination - it’s an awesome toy”. I think he cursed me under his breath but can’t say for sure. I go in the kitchen to get some water only to find that god damn blackberry staring me down. What's worse is that the red light is blinking which means I have a message. It’s like that crack rock calling out to me, like the Sirens in Greek mythology luring me to my death. I give it the finger again and run past it. I refuse to be slave to my employer.

12:30pm rolls around and I get a serious craving for tacos, cheese burgers and beer. The kids are down so we go out for lunch. En-route and while at a red light I notice that my ride is in shit shape so I make a detour to the car wash. The kids moan. I give them that “I’ll kick your ass” look. They quite down and the car gets washed. While waiting for my car to get detailed I realize I have no cash for a tip so I go to the ATM inside and grab a twenty. I ask the register jockey lady to break the bill and she said she can’t. I try to appeal to her better nature by telling her that despite my pale skin, my ancestors also came from Africa and that in the spirit of black history month she should hook a brother up. She politely told me to get the fuck out of the store. Not wanting to stir up any shit, I calmly walk out. The kids are still in the outside waiting area and in one piece.

1:00pm the guy cleaning my car gives me the “your car is done” signal. It looks clean but for dramatic effect, I slowly walk around my car and perform the inspection. I give the guy the nod of approval, bust out $20 and ask him for change. He says he does not have any. For the next 30 seconds I felt like I was in a Clint Eastwood western flick. Was he bluffing so I would hand him the twenty spot? Did he have something worked out with my nubian sister inside the building from a few minutes ago? Once I saw the kids were in the car and ready to go, I looked at the guy, shrugged my shoulders, apologized and put the twenty back in my pocket. Fuck him. Naturally he stopped me, pulled out his wallet to go through his “personal stash” and gave me change. The burger joint was across the street and my need to eat outweighed the thought of this dick who just tried to hustle me.

1:15pm and we were deep in some burger, tacos and French fry heaven.

2:00pm was the obligatory weekend stop at Best Buy. I picked up some video games because gaming is life. I REALLY should not spend the money but screw it. The kids really like watching me play video games where I get to kill people. It's a bonus.

2:45pm and we’re back home. Isabella passed out in the car from eating two pounds of French fries so I put her in bed. Simon shows me his journal and I find his writings are pretty creative and entertaining. I was going to revisit my comment about imaginaion from earlier in the day but decided to praise him and encouraged him to write more. Sofia drew me a picture that found it’s inspiration from the Disney movie Brother Bear. Something about the stars and the Earth. I had no idea what she was talking about but I taped it to my bedroom wall. She then looked at me and said “daddy, if I lose my other front tooth will I look like a freak?” I smiled and said “the cool thing about losing your two front teeth is that you get to drink things faster. Yes, you’ll look funny but you’re my beautiful freak”. She laughed and skipped away.

3:10pm Bella wakes up and turns into the Tasmanian Devil.

3:15pm The kids have way too much energy right now and are starting to freak me the fuck out. I put on some My Little Pony movie and they become silent. Thank god for that crap. Simon watches the Everyone Hates Chris marathon on BET.

3:45pm I make a valiant effort to exercise. I grab my jump rope and walk out on to the patio for 20-30 minutes of cardio. After about six minutes I pull a Roberto Duran and say “no mas”. It’s my day off. The next half hour is spent bouncing between kids and watching what they are watching. Everyone Hates Chris is a really funny show. This country should do more for Black History month. I admit that I am surprised that African Americans have not complained about having their heritage celebrated in February. It’s the shortest month of the year with an added day every Leap Year. My observation only. I was serious.

4:45pm the kitchen opens and dinner preparations start. This usually consists of music, alcohol (beer) and a snack for the chef (me and usually chips and salsa or hummus and pretzels) and the night’s food.

5:20pm dinner is served. Crab salad on toasted baguette, tomato salsa sun chips and green grapes. Push pops are for desert. While in the kitchen I spot the blackberry and finally cave in. I pick it up and … nothing of importance. Thank god. I proceed with my evening.

6:00pm the kitchen is closed and shower time. Even though she’s three going on four, I still give Isabella a bath and since I have no bath tub I have to get in the shower with her. She likes washing my hair because she gets to give me Mohawks with the shampoo but is pissed today because my hair is too short. She deals with it and moves on.

6:45pm we play like the Simpson’s and all jump on the couch to watch some violent movie that they picked. The kids call their mom to say good night and the flick rolls. This is cuddle time as well. We’re all over each other and I sweat my ass off because I’m usually the one who gets piled on. Before I turn the flick on I have to check scores. USA beats Canada in Olympic hockey (ohh, burn) and the Magic beat the Cavaliers - good. I hate that team.

7:00pm the movie starts. Isabella falls asleep right away. One down, two to go.

9:15pm the move ends. It was good but then again, I’m a nerd and dig stuff like that. I put Simon and Sofia to bed. School awaits them tomorrow.

10:00pm finds me sitting here after a good day. I’m listening to Johnny Cash. I recently became a fan. Bed check has all three kids snoring which means I get to drink another beer before I crash. Score.